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A Dual Self

Having been raised in the Christian church, I am burdened by the weight of a conscience, guilt trickling through my veins like blood. Thus, I have lived my life in pursuit of goodness and unachievable absolutes which contradict the fleshy and impure thoughts of my furtive psyche. This sense of duality has defined my adult life and persists in my vacillating moral and political principles. I think I know, then I change my mind.
As a student I found the perfect outlet for my belief in Marxism; I joined student political societies. However, although I was hungry for social change, I never felt fully connected to my comrades and lacked their single-minded drive. For over twenty years, I have remained haunted by a casual remark made by someone, whom I still respect; she said that I was “too subjective.” At the time, I was mildly offended, perceiving myself as weak. In time, however, I realised that I could not be an automaton, dedicating my life to the pursuit of the greater good. I was an individual and if I wanted to improve the world I had to be kinder to myself. Political activism preceded my breakdown of self. Henceforth, I have struggled to re-build my identity. I am, perhaps, more fragile, these days, but I am, also, more knowing.


3 thoughts on “A Dual Self

  1. Thanks for sharing. I come from a Ultra orthodox Jewish background and i can feel the duality and split as well. I enjoy reading Freud although at times he cam be very complex. I want to start studying Marx and gain more knowledge on political science. You seem smart and sensitive.

    • Thanks Eli! If you are interested in reading an original work by Marx, I would recommend The German Ideology. The students’ edition is perhaps the most accessible. Unfortunately, I think the “split” becomes more acute with age. For, as my tenacity has withered, so has my fighting spirit. These days, I would be more likely to read Freud than Marx and… subsequently, feel guilty!

      • I love Freud he is a clear thinker- I’m going to check on amazon to get the German Ideology, Thanks.

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